You Made Me! by Karen Taylor

You Made Me!

The Option Method Dialogue
by Karen Taylor

Sounds like kids tattling on each other doesn't it? I think I must have heard and seen this scene played out hundreds and thousands of times: a child running to a parent or teacher, etc., to shift the blame for something they are keenly aware they don't want to get in trouble for. And so you hear them say: "Well, he made me do it." "He made me go play in the mud." "He made me eat those cookies."

Sounds goofy and none of us believe it when we hear kids assigning blame to someone, knowing full well nobody made them do it. But if you listen again, and you don't have to be all that keen of hearing, you hear it constantly: You made me unhappy! He makes me MAD! She makes me furious! They made me feel small."

What happened? We didn't believe it, and don't, when we hear a small child blaming another, but we certainly take the game far more serious as adults. I suppose we are much more serious game players.

Consider for a moment this statement: "You made me mad." Think for a second of someone you have been angry with, when that statement came to mind. Now I ask you this: How did they make you? Is there a switch that someone flicked that you wear on your body? Did they actually make your lips move and your body produce sounds? Was some hocus pocus involved? I suppose you see my point. When we think about it this way it sounds ludicrous, but I would guess that most of us use this statement on a consistent basis.

If we agreed that we use these statements frequently, then the next question might be, "Why are we doing it?" We know when we hear this kind of talk from kids that they are trying to "pull one over on us" and avoid trouble. We know that it sounds unbelievable when we stop to question how someone could actually "make us" become mad. However, we continue to say it, and probably for the most part believe it when it comes to ourselves.

So again, I would ask the question, "Why do we all participate in this sport?" The only purpose that I can ascertain from thinking about it, is that we are still doing what we learned how to do as small children; blame others. But why are we doing that?

Let's think for a moment. If we were to tell someone they made us unhappy, we are basically telling them it's their fault we feel unhappy. They are responsible, or in charge of us feeling unhappy. We are not in charge. If we are not in charge, then it is not our fault if we are miserable, angry, lonely, happy, unhappy, depressed, anything! We are basically not responsible for how we feel about our lives. That responsibility lies in everyone else's hands.

Wow! If that is true then it sounds like we're going to be on quite the emotional roller coaster ride, always depending on others doing what we deem "right" so we can feel good! Having to depend on others to make the "right move" would seem to promote a lot of high-anxiety. We may even have to consider some strategic planning in order to assist others in making the right moves so we can feel happy.

Trying to control others so we can be happy is a lot of work. It also doesn't sound like we're in for a very comfortable ride, as it's an impossible thing to do on a consistent basis, if at all. So why would we want to put our happiness in someone else hands? (As if we could!)

I think the main reason most of us want to shift the blame for our discomfort onto others, (besides the fact that everyone else is doing it!), is because we don't want to be responsible if our life isn't turning out how we think it ought to be. We don't want to be "at fault", and have to feel bad. So more often than not it can appear easier to assign the responsibility of our "failure" to someone else.

I believe that in our culture we have received some very mixed messages about what it means to be responsible, and what it means to be at fault. I think most of us believe that being responsible means we are at fault, or are wrong in many situations. And, if we are wrong or at fault then it is a given that we must FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT!

I emphasize the "feel really bad" part for a reason. If we attempted to do something that didn't turn out how we wanted it to, and we didn't believe we had to feel bad about it, wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to look at what we've done and try something different? Isn't this what stops us from attempting so many things, the fear that if we don't succeed we must suffer with beliefs that we are a failure/stupid/incapable, etc., and feel accordingly?

In our culture we've been trained to fear this thing called failure, (making a mistake or miscalculation), which are just words for something not turning out how we wanted? If we weren't so afraid of "being a failure", (what we think it means about us and how we must feel), we might all allow ourselves to learn a lot more and feel good in the process!

If we have to feel really bad about being responsible for things failing to go as we would want, then we will most likely find ourselves feeling bad a lot of the time, because life doesn't normally proceed how we want it to on a consistent basis.

Is it any wonder that we don't want to be responsible if being responsible means we've failed, and we have to feel any variety of uncomfortable feelings, (miserable, rotten, disappointed, hopeless, furious, etc.)?

It also appears that in our culture many of us believe that we won't try to do anything different if we don't feel bad about things not going how we wanted them to in the first place. We might all just sit around complacently feeling happy as things fall down around our feet. Do we give no credit to the indomitable human spirit that loves to explore and find out how he/she can make things happen more smoothly and effectively?

There certainly appears to be a lot of fear and distrust operating from this perspective, as well as people feeling uncomfortable. If this is what it means to be responsible, then I'm for blaming the next guy too. However, I don't believe that this is what being responsible has to mean. I believe we can change our belief about what it means to be responsible. I believe the initial problem is that we think we have to feel bad when things are not going our way in the first place.

Do we believe we have to get what we want in order to feel good? Probably most of us would say yes. Why is that? Here are some possible reasons:

How can I be good for myself if I'm not effective at getting what I want?

If I just felt good about anything then I would be an idiot, never discriminating against things that could harm me!

Questions to Consider:

Would we be dumb if we felt good when things weren't going our way?

Would we really stop trying to go for things we really wanted if we felt happy?

Would we fail to know what was of interest to us or important to us if we were happy (felt good), when things were not as we desired them to be?

The reason we might want to consider these questions is because a lot of uncomfortable feelings are being generated by people who believe getting what they want is a requirement for feel happy. Could we consider that we might want to place feeling happy (peaceful, calm, good), as our first priority?

It appears in our culture we are raised with the idea that getting is what is needed in order to feel good. Whether it is getting the latest DVD player, the newest video game, the largest TV our house can hold, the fanciest car, the trendiest clothes, the perfect body, home, spouse, career, or the "right response" from our friends, family, boss, etc., the right behavior from our kids. The list goes on and on. There is no end to the new things we will need or the responses we have to have in order to feel good, because there is no end to new things or human interactions.

It appears that our children are VERY fast learners as well. It seems that younger and younger children are quite aware of how much they believe THEY NEED TO GET SOMETHING, (or act like they need to), in order to feel happy, and they are quick to tell us so. It's quite the treadmill we are on with no end in sight, unless we consider that getting things (getting things or reactions we want), aren't requirements for happiness. They are nice. They are wonderful. They can be lots of fun, but they are not requirements for feeling happy.

WE'VE BEEN TAUGHT TO USE UNHAPPINESS

There are a lot of unhappy people in the world. There are a lot of people who are unhappy a lot of the time. Unhappiness is not an uncommon condition. It can be troubling to find ourselves more and more unhappy, without a clear idea of how we got ourselves into this position, or what to do to get out of it.

I would like to introduce the idea that we have been taught, since we were very young, to use unhappiness to navigate through our world.

Think for a moment of the many instances that you have experienced when you were being told, (maybe not in so many words), that you needed to feel bad.

Johnny I hope you feel terrible that you broke my brand new vase!
(Johnny needs to feel terrible in order for mother to believe Johnny
cares about what is important to her and so he won't do it again.
You failed the test! How could you get such a bad grade and disappoint me so!? (Better feel bad so mom doesn't think I wanted to disappoint her and so that she knows I care about her.)
Sara, you had better go straight to your room and think about what you've done to your sister! I don't want to see your face until you feel sorry for what you've done! (I'll have to feel bad so Mom will stop being mad at me, and I can get out of my room.)
You couldn't possibly be thinking of wearing that to school today? You'll be a laughing-stock! (You should feel uncomfortable / embarrassed and change your clothes.)

These are just a few casual cases where a very strong message is being sent: YOU NEED TO FEEL BAD! And the message is sent to us over and over again throughout our lives in subtle and not-so-subtle ways for what people believe are very good reasons! The reasons go something like this:

We need to feel bad in order to make sure we will never do something again.
We need to feel bad in order to do better next time.
We need to feel bad to make sure that our significant other(s), (Mom, Dad, husband, wife, friend, kids, etc.), know(s) we care.
We need to feel bad so WE KNOW that we care, that we are
concerned, sensitive people, (i.e., I really feel bad that all
those people are starving in Africa.)

There is a purpose behind the discomfort we feel, but we are not always aware that we are feeling bad for a purpose unless we look at it deeper. We typically don't question the foundation for our unhappiness. If we were to question the many cases where we find ourselves subject to feeling bad it might go something like this:

Would I want to study and get a better grade if I didn't feel bad
about the grade I received?
Could I express to others that I cared about them without making
myself feel unhappy?
Could I know that I didn't want to repeat an experience without
feeling bad that I had the experience in the first place?
Do I believe I wouldn't be motivated to change if I didn't feel bad?
And if I do believe that to be true, why do I think so?

I've witnessed numerous people repeatedly using motivational techniques (openly and privately), which involve endless criticism, nagging, ranting browbeating, second guessing, undermining, name calling, etc., on themselves.

Perhaps this sounds familiar. Does this really help us try harder to solve problems, express concern, etc., or does the cumulative effects of all this negativity leave us tired, resentful, and unmotivated?

Is our method of operating in the world, (when things don't go as we wish), - feeling bad - worth the price tag that is attached? Do we believe we really wouldn’t go for what we want if we felt good? Would it be worth it, to try another way?

We have been taught to use unhappiness to motivate ourselves, and it appears we have been quite successful at it. What apt students! With such aptitude, I believe we can embrace another way, and become quite successful at that as well.

The Option Method offers another way of learning how to motivate ourselves. It is a method that teaches love, patience, respect and acceptance. It is a method that assists us in learning to trust ourselves and teaches us that we can generate loving compassion to help ourselves through our lives, versus suffering.

With all the amazing technological advances that we humans have proven capable of, could we consider that we could make equally tremendous advances in the plight of emotional suffering? It is possible. If we can teach ourselves to move through our lives with more peace, more compassion, more comfort, more happiness, what an incredible difference it would make in our lives. And as our comfort and happiness increased, sparking others to realize their capability to create joy and peace in their lives, what a awe-inspiring difference it could make in the world around us!

by Karen Taylor

If you’d like to have someone help you through the dialogue questions the first few times, consider working with an Option Method Practitioner.

Not affiliated with the Option Institute

Option Method Network

Site Navigation

You Made Me!